Two Day Headache & Life's Small Victories

Blech.

I've had this headache for over 48 hours now, and it kind of keeps moving in and out of nausea/headache/jawache/eyeache/blurry vision/etc. In many ways a classic migraine. I ate some wheaty foods the other night and I do believe that is what triggered this. Ick.

Anyhoo! Random notes...

My beautiful boy has experienced major success on neighborhood swim team! Yay!

I have a water phobia -- possibly because I nearly drowned as a toddler? -- and I have always dreamed of the day when Bodhi could swim well. So I've had him in lessons for as long as I can remember now. I loved being on swim team when I was a kid, and on the team in high school. I've talked it up a bit and he seemed especially interested in the idea of getting a trophy, so it wasn't a huge surprise when he asked me if he could be on the team this summer. Soooo....

He's been doing it! And we've been going to meets every Saturday, which has been great and weird. The social aspect of doing anything in the community cannot be underestimated, my friends. For I sit and watch and (hover, okay, I hover) help the kids at practice every day. And I'm the only parent to do so. But then my kid is the youngest on the team. And he's got the sensory issue thing. He is by far the most exuberant kid on the team, if splashing and yelling and laughing is any indicator. I just think it's weird that the other parents are so tentative with me. Not hostile, but when I see them they are just strange to talk to. I'm way more into shit than most people, I know that, I am a NERD, but come on. I guess I'm this grey haired, overly protective, silly person they can't categorize. Or something. So yeah, you might say the other parents are not exactly friendly. Okay then. And the coach is...well, he's new. And he clearly hasn't had much experience managing kids, especially younger ones. They all run roughshod over the poor guy. And he hasn't quite gotten the "coach" part of the job down. He's a little timid and doesn't even really speak loud enough to be heard over splashing.

I don't mean to sound critical here. I've been puzzling over this stuff for weeks. It's been one of those situations where I feel like I'm taking crazy pills for sure.

We've been to three swim meets and each time there is at least one other team where everyone has on matching suits and caps and is painted up with the colors of their team, and they have a couple of coaches running around working with the kids...and the parents are into it, and they're all cheering each other on...you know, it's like a Real Team.

Cut to: our team. Coach scurrying around with a clip board, us not even knowing who else on our team is here to swim, the weird sort of unfriendly parents not saying much to us or inviting us to sit with them...I know, I know. I have to reach out to people too. I'm not shy. And my feelings get hurt easily. It's a terrible combination. But I find it just...bizarre. So yah, no team spirit or cohesion. And it makes me feel bad for the kids, who aren't getting the awesome experience of cheering for each other, or being cheered on, and working hard and sometimes winning something.

But this swim team thing...it's been my therapy all month while my therapist vacations in Vermont. I've had to do some major childhood healing stuff. And in the midst of it, two of my worst nightmares came true: one of the kids told me Bodhi was a "weirdo." And another of the kids kicked him in the stomach because Bodhi was annoying him and wouldn't stop splashing him. It has been a BONANZA of testing out my core beliefs and my parenting skills. My nightmare is that if I sent B to a larger school with fewer teachers and more unsupervised kids, he'd get called names and kicked in the gut or worse. So I guess it's good that it happened in the microcosm of swim team, and we survived it.

With the kid who told me my son was a weirdo, I said "I LOVE WEIRDOS," which she found befuddling. Then I told her "weirdos are  the coolest people" when she said "You love weirdos? You're supposed to like cool-os."  Nope, little sister, nope.

So good, maybe as she grows she'll recall that someone out there loves weirdos so when she gets called that she'll feel slightly less affronted, perhaps? It was hard not to hold that against her from then on, but I know what it's like to be struggling through all that social construction.

And then the kid who kicked B in the stomach...well. When I gently confronted him about it, he admitted he did it because he was mad. Then I said, "Okay, but you do know that it's not okay to hit other people just because we're mad at them, right?" And he said he knew it. I also said "You guys can still be friends, and you can get mad at each other, but nobody hits or kicks each other, right?" And I commended him for admitting that he kicked B out of anger. Because honestly, I was impressed that he owned it. And told him mom what happened too.

Of course I had to explain to B what his otherwise-friendly person had said, and that it was never okay for another kid to kick or hit him or call him a name. I've had to intervene on this front several times this year. My belief is that the kid who loses their shit and hits or calls someone a name needs to back up, own their feelings, and learn that they can't just strike out like that. Also, B has to learn to take in "Stop that!" when he is doing something that annoys another person. To that end, I have created a point system. We have a chart, and every time he stops himself when someone says "Stop!" (including me and dad) he gets a point, which starts adding up to a Lego reward. This system appears to be working.

We've been reading a great book called "Transforming the Difficult Child," aka "The Nurtured Heart Approach" and are implementing some of the tools it suggests, like focusing on the behavior we DO want rather than on what we don't want. So for example, giving B points and lots of attention when he DOES stop is making a big difference. It's rewarding instead of punishing. I mean, we haven't perfected the system by any means, but it has been a great tool so far.

OKAY. SO BACK TO SWIM TEAM.

He's won a third, second, and first place ribbon in freestyle. I was so proud of him last weekend when he took first place in his heat against three other little guys, two of whom had beaten him the week before. And to see his pride in himself for winning...oh my God. Nothing like that in all the world! It makes my heart burst with joy just to think of it. After how hard he has worked...

I know what some of you might be thinking: "Jesus, Lady. It's just a little neighborhood pool swim team. Can't a kid just be a kid and relax and have fun?"

Well, yes. But some kids need structure and hard work  to keep them focused so they feel safe to express themselves. They need to know the rules before they can play the game. They need to have the structure and form in place before they can blow it apart or create new form. That is my experience, and my belief.

Also, I am very competitive. Highly so. I'm not totally proud of this, but it has served me more than hurt me. And I don't think it's a bad quality, as long as you don't set out to hurt another person. Or compete to win at all costs. That is not a victory to celebrate, I know.

We are planning to go to the city swim meet this weekend and swim against all the other neighborhood teams. I hope he wins a ribbon, but even if he doesn't, he knows what it feels like to come in first.

Delicious and hard-won.