To say that I've slacked off on blogging is the understatement of the decade.
I feel somewhat reinvigorated to recommit to my blog, if for no other reason than to simply keep my arms and fingers moving in time with my brain. It's similar to yoga practice.
I just came across an awesome quote, via my mentor Susie Bright:
"What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?
The world would split open."
— Muriel Rukeyser
I feel like I no longer tell the truth about my life. And thus I have ceased to blog. The main reason I ever started to write and reveal myself in public like this -- or even long before this, before the public worldwide forum of the internet came into being -- was to stand up in front of a live audience and tell the truth. MY truth. I grew up in a family with a lot of secrets and lies. I know many of us do. I just felt determined not to have that in my own family, and in my own life.
But I also treasure this advice from Jack Kerouac, who said writers must keep "secret notebooks." I think what he means is that we need to be able to write with freedom from worry about what anyone else might think. He also said "Candor ends paranoia."
When I was a radicalized twenty-something and then somewhat less radical but still feisty thirty-something, I did not give a shit what anyone else thought of what I wrote and revealed about myself. I was determined to be as in-your-face with my words and my intensity as I possibly could. The thing is, I've never had to make anything up for my life story to be intense and meaningful to someone else who might happen to hear it.
So now I feel I can justify myself by saying, knowing, that my words helped someone else.
Nowadays, it's not so much that what I have to say will harm anyone else, it's that it may harm me. It may alienate me from friends, from other mothers and yogis whose company I need and want. Truly. These days, I'm addicted to facebook and the false sense of connection as well as the true connections it provides me. But I rarely voice my true opinion of matters that everyone else is discussing in the social media world. I know where to start, but I don't know where to finish.
As I approach 50, I am finding it easier to dis-engage, or to never really engage at all, from or in conflict. I have been practicing the fine art of choosing my battles. Like really, do I want to spend a good amount of time trying to persuade people I love from belonging to organizations that I cannot ethically support? If someone were to ask me, "What do you think of this organization," or whatever, I would certainly give my opinion. But I trust people to make their own decisions. Not to mention that what is wrong for me could be right for them. And I don't actively publicly loudly express my disdain for anything like that. Any more...
And if I'm forming judgments and expressing opinions that may harm others, there's that, but there's also the real possibility that my son could now be affected by me opening my mouth and telling what is on my mind. I worry that he is already affected by my tendency to isolate out of fear, and that one of the reasons so few friends ever call any more is because I've been so deeply depressed and stressed out. Ironically, this is the time I should be reaching out.
I was just reading Amy Ippolitti's article in the new (and amazing!!!) Origin magazine, the brand new yoga+art+culture+conscious living magazine our friend has published and founded. It is seriously incredible and I am SO excited to be part of it, and contribute to it. Anyhoo. Amy's article...all about letting go of our victimhood by freeing ourselves from, among other things, blaming anyone else for our failures. It's all about understanding the concept of Freedom as Radical Affirmation of our living, or "Shri."
I unconsciously (or was it?) re-named myself Liz Shri when I signed on to facebook. I didn't want any weirdos from my past stalking me or being able to find me. I always thought "shri" meant "happiness." And in some translations from the Sanskrit, it kind of does. But what is true happiness? For me, it is Freedom. And not just the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want, but to actually accept what life is offering me. I'm always free to choose to refuse.
I can't tell you how many missed opportunities I can now see that I've had. A LOT. Every day. But I can also see that, for whatever reason, I did not take them, and if I had taken them I might not, well, I certainly would not, be here. Right here. Right now. So.
I guess the biggest struggle I've got going these days is what has turned out to be an almost year-long injury, a "frozen shoulder." I will write more on it at length. Suffice to say for the moment, though, that it is incredibly painful and it sucks. Nobody is really sure what causes this. The factors may include diabetes, hormonal fluctuations, genetics, injury, etc and so on. I have pretty much all of the above, except diabetes, which I hope to avoid. I have little to no external rotation of my left arm. I can't lift it up over my head. The pain is...well, it's like there is scar tissue on my muscles. I'm not used to a muscle and a trigger point being continuously painful with no relief. I just started PT last week and I have only been twice, but I think it helps. My yoga practice has been severely limited, as you can imagine, but I am learning. A lot. With this particular type of injury/syndrome, the best approach is to go slow and not push through the pain. Interesting. I am definitely a push through the pain girl.
I have taken off this month of teaching to focus on the therapy and getting my shoulder back to somewhat normal. I can't demo poses, which is fine, but I also can't assist, which is fine but...ugh, so hard for me. So rather than tempt myself (and yes, I caused significant trauma to my shoulder a couple months ago demo-ing an arm balance, of all things, complete with collapsing and shouting out "Fuck!" Followed by searing, ripping, throbbing pain that took 48 hours to subside) I am trying to de-stress and write more and rest more. (It's past midnight now though.)
The resting part is SO hard because the most painful position for me to be in is on my back or on my left side, sleeping. I wake up several times throughout the night from pain.
So far I have refused my orthopedic surgeon's suggestion for cortisone shots, but I may yet succumb. Tomorrow I am having my second "double whammy" treatment of acupuncture followed by tui-na and I cannot wait.
Moving right along here.
Last night I heard the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. I have of course been glued to the news ever since, and reading all of my friends and their friends facebook commentary with great interest. Here is where I choose to refrain from spilling my guts, usually. But I do have some comments on it all that I would like to share here. I did NOT post this to my facebook.
My friend Susan wrote, in response to my update that simply said "I choose Love:"
”I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.”— Martin Luther King Jr
2 hours ago ·
@Susan, I really appreciate this sentiment. King is paraphrasing the Buddha here. Seems like there are some discussions taking place on FB as to whether it is proper to rejoice in the death of OBL or not. I think a better question to ask ourselves is "why" we would have the impulse to rejoice or celebrate his death; and I really am interested to know "why?" anyone would personally rejoice in it. Is it personal? Does your heart sing and your body and mind know tremendous relief now that he is gone? I can understand that. But I also feel that it must go deeper than just "revenge for the lives lost since 911." What is it? What do the soldiers feel? It is my understanding that in order to evolve consciousness and bring about peace within as well as without we are to turn the other cheek, and trust the meting out of justice to (God and) Time. I know that some wars are just; but I also know that human beings and the system we have created to perpetuate war is not. So I don't have the answer. And I'm not saying we should never act, even if it means killing the bad guys when I don't believe in it. If I spend some time with the questions I might have some insights about it beyond these facebook threads. Hah! Maybe Time will prove that it was an act of Love and not Fear that put the operation into action. I have such limited understanding of karma and justice and peace as it is, I don't believe I yet have the right vision, the clarity, to say justice has been served. In fact, we may have now created a contagion effect that will bring about more pain and suffering, we just don't know yet because we are caught up in the immediate sense of gratification and the illusion of vengeance being within our control. There is also the possibility that this will cause consciousness to expand rapidly, and bring about true peace and enlightenment and understanding and compassion and all those principles we hold so dear. Even if the intentions behind these violent acts were corrupt and unjust, I still believe Love will win.
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Okay, as I've just pointed out to myself that it's past midnight and I'm trying to take care of myself, I will sign off in a moment.
I'm really into learning and practicing non-violent communcation as a life skill and as a technique for real connection and communication; it WORKS. I've been reading this fantastic booklet, "Parenting from Your Heart," that is changing my life. To resolve our conflicts, I am operating from a very basic premise: How can everyone's needs be met here? So then I practice the formula of:
1) naming the needs of my son
2) empathizing with him...truly! "I know, I don't like it when someone forces me to stop what I'm doing either."
3) expressing as simply as I can my needs in the situation: "I know you want to keep watching a cartoon, but I like to show up when I say I will, so if we don't leave soon we will be late."
and then here is the magic key:
4) Use the words "Would you be willing to?" and I am telling you, nine out ten times, he says yes. "Would you be willing to watch the rest of the cartoon when we get back?" And if he says no, then I say "What do you suggest we do so you get to watch your cartoon and I get to leave on time to get there?" To which he inevitably replies with some sort of solution.
I think the key is that in order for this to work, I also have to be willing to compromise.
I'm also working with him and having a therapist friend do some play therapy with him to help express his aggression and anger in a supportive, safe place. As a family, we have begun to develop a nice dialogue around our frustrations and anger and getting what all of us want. I consider it a small and exciting miracle that my son can now usually tell us why he is angry, and why he bites or hits or whatever it is he does to express it to us. It is so powerful, I find, to be able to sit with anger and still love a person even when I am ready to clobber them.
And...
I think I've now permanently migrated to the kitchen table as my office space. I imagine there are many mothers who write at the kitchen table. Great things.
More to come. As well as my thoughts on the intense commercialization of Yoga, if you want to know.
