On Practice

There is such an apt comparison between yoga and parenting. (Is that correct grammar? Where am I? What day is it? Have I lost my mind?)

I will try to explain.

I've been thinking of it all weekend. The Ebb and Flow of Parenting, and how to really let go -- no really, let go! LET GO! -- and be IN it. Or rather, become AWARE that I am already so fully in it...I AM it.

What do I mean by yoga and parenting? Or the yoga of parenting? Well, there's the practice piece of it, which is so helpful for so many reasons. There's a Life being lived, and within that Life, there is a practice. A discipline. A method. A technique. There are principles. The yoga practice is a part of the life, a designated time and space for working on spiritual progress, and it's to be done with intention and consciousness and some level of skill. It lends itself to study, possibly mastery. It never ends. It's lifelong. And it is the anchor of the Life. It informs and prepares us for the other things we do with the rest of our time.

For some this practice or discipline is asana, pranayama, and/or meditation. There are other practices of course, all of them with the same goal: Liberation.

I said it was a part of the life, but it is also the life itself. I believe in having a yoga practice, time on the mat, every day if possible. But I also believe that, ultimately, it's taking what I've learned from being on the mat (always sounds like a wrestling term to me) and practicing it in my everyday life.

PRACTICE. Just thinking of yoga this way, and of parenting this way, is a relief.

I can learn a parenting principle, or get advice, but it's what I put into practice that counts. I can treat our experiments with sleeping, scheduling, eating, all the daily rituals, like PRACTICE.

And I can call upon one of my favorite Al-Anon-isms: "PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION."

It's so easy for me to feel like a failure as a parent -- yes, already! -- but the truth is, like yoga, there are many paths. Many PRACTICES. And they all sort of lead to the same place. Can you really manage unconditional love? Can you bring more love and peace into the world, or will you fall back on your old shit again?

Can you recognize that when you choose to restrict or limit yourself, you have chosen it out of love?

So how did I practice Ebb and Flow this weekend?

I tried to move forward while staying connected in the present. I tried to make it through transitions without falling apart. When I fell apart, I went back to my foundation.

I believe it was Trungpa who said "We should always greet chaos with great enthusiasm." Or something like that; it's a great quote from Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart." I still love that book and have in fact been re-reading it, along with the spiritual parenting books.

It helps also that I'm reviewing John Friend's Anusara Teacher Training Basics DVD; it's FIVE DAYS of Teacher Training, all on DVD, and I'm watching all of it. The baby's watching it with me, or taking it in while he nurses. It's like I was *at* this Teacher Training only yesterday...I love hearing the principles again and again. "Connect with something greater than yourself." "Always check the foundation." "Go back to the basics." Etc. Andrew Bodhi's first words will be "Eka Pada Rajakapotasana," according to his daddy.

So this weekend, as I recover from a nasty cold, I found myself needing to leave the house. Even Bodhi was bored! Yes, already! (I have tried to figure out a way to move him that simulates walking while we're still seated in my La-Z-Boy, but he is too clever for that.) We'd been napping and nursing most of the morning, and daddy was busy in phone meetings all day. It was beautiful outside, and our food supply was dwindling. I'd noticed at one point that Tito, our chihuahua, was shivering. (Imagine, a chihuahua shivering.) So I bundled us into the car with the goal of getting a smoothie at Pacha, then letting the wind carry me. Simple.

And it was! Delicious smoothie in hand, I wandered over to Bark N Purr. Found a cute little red sweater, and went up to the counter.

It occurred to me that I was in the Flow! I hadn't even planned on going to BNP, I just remembered Tito...shivering...

The slacker fellows at Bark N Purr aren't exactly anti-social, but they're not exactly social either. As I stood there, a woman with a giant golden lab came up to the counter. The lab was extra friendly, and was jumping up on the counter. The BNP employee got all excited and gave him a treat. He oohed and aaahed over the dog. Then he turned to me.

I only had the cutest baby in the world, strapped to my chest, face out. Counter boy's face had resumed its sullen glaze. I handed him the tiny red sweater in my hand. "Will that be all, maam?" he asked in a monotone, averting my gaze.

Yes, yes. That was all.

I chose to feel amused rather than hurt that he had practically fallen apart over the dog, but had zero comment or eye contact for a cute baby.

I guess cute animals = cute babies are separate universes in some people's purviews. Not mine.

I'm trying to locate the baby friendly establishments around town. It's a young people place for the most part. At least when I was still babyless I could sort of blend in as an old lady former hipster. I could wear all black at the coffee shop and still not always be the oldest person there. But now, I'm a MOM.

I used to worry that I'd become unhot, or invisible, once I became a mom.

Now could I not only not give the least little damn about that, but I am most excited for people to respond to my child, to think HE is cool.

As my weekend continued, me being in the Flow and all, I went grocery shopping at Sun Harvest, which was a very different experience from Bark N Purr. About the minute I walked in, a woman turned to me and baby Bodhi (again, strapped to my chest, facing out, awake and alert) and exclaimed: "Wow! Your baby is amazing!"

Now THAT'S the kind of recognition I can live with!

It's hard to think that, as a parent, I'm going to probably feel hurt from time to time when people claim not to like babies, or are unresponsive to the incredible cuteness or brilliance or whatever of little Bodhi boy.

I guess it's all part of letting go of judgment, my own and others. But also, as I consider childcare for him, or watch his pediatrician handle him, I can only think how I wish that these people loved him, caring for him as I do. And I think of the Buddist notion of loving all people I meet the way a mother loves her child, and I would like to be able to do this, to love even strangers and creeps with the tenderness I feel for my sweet baby. To be that compassionate and forgiving...wow.

I can practice.

New Photos!

Here are some random pics of the Bodhi-boy; I still have no computer, except for the (very) occasional use of Dad's desktop.

Bern, I *am* going to learn how to blog from my cellphone...then there will be NO END to the phone pics!

I attended "Part Two" of my teacher Mary's yoga and discernment immersion series last weekend. Physically speaking, I not only found myself doing several hours of intense asana practice the likes of which I haven't done in over a year, I actually did a couple of things I have never been able to do before. Now, it's not that the poses themselves are so important, but the trust I've been able to experience in my body again has been...vital. And again, we keep asking ourselves the question "WHO showed up to practice today? WHO is it that is doing this pose?"

Emotionally speaking it was simply great to be among such deeply caring, earnest, seeking souls.

Mary's teaching was on fire, in a way I haven't seen her for quite some time. It was very clear that her teaching comes right out of an intense, committed, personal practice. It's an honor to be able to share that. As a teacher, it's important that I have this kind of practice to share with MY students. So everything I do at this point in my life has to be fodder for teaching. Even though my asana practice has been much less intense than it was before, my life-practice is taking me deeper into territories unexplored. I'm having to practice ALL of the yogic principles of truth, non-violence, focus, surrender, self-study, cleanliness, non-clinging, discipline, ETCETERA.

It really does parallel some parenting principles I'm working on. And yet ultimately, the best teacher is what you learn from your own experience, although we all need guidance from time to time. And we need support.

We need a Mama-Sangha!

Back to the immersion.

We discussed principles from the Bhagavad Gita, among other things. We talked about how to (try to) live and make decisions that are not based in DESIRE or FEAR. It made me think of an Anne Waldman poem, "Hopes and Fears." (which I am searching for online and cannot find...dang!) Anyway, those are the two pillars between which our life-pendulum swings, DESIRE and FEAR.

We actually talked a lot about the Buddha and his life story, how he had studied with several great masters in his search for enlightenment, until finally he just sat down under the Bodhi tree. He sat down in remembrance of his childhood, and the simple joy he felt while resting under a tree one day. His goal was to obtain THAT kind of peace of mind. And then, once he had it again, he knew he had to teach others how to obtain it.

Being with my child is really asking me to see the world as a newcomer would see it. I am teaching him about all the simple things, like turning on a light, or washing a dish, but also about how sweet it is to go outside and feel the breeze on his skin, or notice the red flowers blooming on the bushes in the yard. We don't have a lot of toys for him yet. Most of our time together is spent sleeping, nursing, or lately, practicing sitting up. I'm so excited to have a little yoga student in my care!

Okay, more to come soon...

Happiest Baby on the Block

Breastfeeding in Public

...one of my long-held goals and dreams for myself, realized today.

One of my new mom pals, Laura, called me to see if I wanted to meet her at the coffee shop for some lunch. I LEAPT at the chance. I had actually been thinking of calling her this morning to go for a walk, despite the threat of rain. So we went. Andrew Bodhi and I packed up and met our friends, Laura and Lulu.


I try to do a little something that will get us out of the house and give us human contact with the outside world at least once a day. If I only plan to do TWO things max, like 1) grab food at a cafe and 2) hang out in the park, all can stay pretty well under control. It's when I try to do THREE things that all hell breaks loose and things fall apart.

I took Lanell's advice and made my own nursing top out of a long tank; I cut slits for the boobs to poke through, and wore a t-shirt over it. That way the belly stays covered when the t-shirt comes up to feed the baby. CLEVER.

But feeding in public was going to be no picnic, I anticipated that. Little Bodhi is going through his phases, fussing a lot at the breast before re-integrating and settling in to nurse. I feel that he has sooo much to say, so much to express. He's a Talker!

Trust me, I will not try to quiet him in any way.

So anyway, we made it out of the house, ate at the coffee shop, talked a bit, and went to the park down the street. (Yes, we ate standing up, and we had to keep moving like sharks, but we did it.) There were lots of mamas and kids. We were there for a couple of hours. At one point, AB performed a trajectory spit up down my cleavage and all over my yoga mat. (We brought our mats and a blanket out with us.) I'm realizing that being a mom might be akin to sitting in the front row of a Gallagher or Gwar show.

But what the hell; I always loved being outdoors and getting messydirty when I was a kid, a total tomboy. We can get a good hosing-down in at the end of the day.

So what I'm trying to say is that I DID IT. With Laura's encouragement and support, and the great outdoors around us, I NURSED MY BABY IN PUBLIC. And he loved it. The ghetto nursing top totally worked. Only about 1/4 of my boob was showing, less than Janet Jackson at halftime. Who gives a damn, anyway? I was a breastfeeding mama in the wild!

The Bodhi man loves being outside, can't take his eyes off the sky or the trees. It's a beautiful thing to watch. He was grabbing handfuls of leaves and grass (not so easy to pry out of tiny baby hands) and practiced squealing at the top of his lungs for quite some time. He even fell asleep for awhile.

Laura and I were talking about making the adjustment (the TRANSITION) into being mamas, how it didn't really sink in until we were giving birth. And now these little creatures are going to be with us always. If we're lucky!

I think I had a better grasp on the concept of becoming a Mother than I had on the concept of suddenly becoming a FAMILY. Here we are, baby makes three. Every day is full of negotiations, surrender, spontaneity and even a little grief. We'll make it though, I think.

Bern often talks of "incubating" as a family, and I love that idea. There are days and nights when the best thing to be is alone, our little family unit, holed up at home or in a tightknit triad out in public, supporting and loving and interacting with one another.

And meanwhile, I can practice and hone my mama skills by doing little things, like a day in the park with a friend.

Yoga A-Go-Ga

It is so beautiful outside today.

I was lucky enough for my husband to babysit while I slept in a little late, then have had the last couple of hours to drink coffee, do yoga, and now sit and blog for a moment.

Heaven!

We hauled some blankets and my old-faithful beat up practice mat outside, where Andrew read Harry Potter while baby cooed and mama practiced. Tito, our chihuahua, met the neighbor dog Baggy, a Beagle (undoubtedly named by his kid owners) and the dad of Baggy, our neighbor Michael. It was extremely pleasant.

All day and night I have these fantasy blog entries I write in my head, only to sit down for the precious minutes I have to actually blog and I write this crap.

Oh well.

I've come to relish the mundane. The everyday existence. The beauty of laundry.

I mean it.

I've noticed that a number of my friends, people I really thought were Good Friends, have dropped away since the baby was born. This pains me, in a way. But in another way, I've bonded with some new (and old) moms and some Baby Sympathizers that has been profound BEYOND what I experienced with said Good Friends.

This is life in the trenches, folks. You hear about the great dramatic device of setting a story during wartime. (Think "Gone With the Wind." "Schindler's List." "Apocalypse Now.") Well. Daily parenting is high drama, enacted in the dark secret confines of a bedroom or, in our case, the living room last night, when our dog ate half a box of fudge and we had to feed him hydrogen peroxide so he'd vomit it up. And meanwhile, our baby spit up half a gallon of milk on my chest, thighs, and yoga mat. Our best laid plans of a gentle bath, reading, and bed, were thwarted for a time. There was even going to be a meditation practice thrown in there somewhere, until Tito scarfed down chocolate.

One blog entry I am working on is a list of advice tidbits for brand new moms. Little things. Like have a cute stuffed animal posted at the diaper changing station.

Okay, my microwave lasagna is calling.

That's another thing, if I may be so bold as to skip around in an illogical fashion here on my blog entry.

I totally had the fantasy that I would really, no really, learn to cook for my family and that by now we'd be eating farmer's market fresh produce every day. I went so far as to make homemade -- with the help of a mix -- Italian salad dressing, but we are still cocooning to the point where I never seem to make it out to the farmer's market, or frankly even the store. That is dad's job, still.

Anyway, that's on my list of failures. Or to-dos, one day.

I do seem to have a knack for making anything I cook taste good. So that's a plus.

My Husband is a Genius

...when I came home tonight from teaching my yoga class, I found my husband sitting in the darkened living room, the baby asleep on his chest, singing to our 80s karaoke disc! (We got out our karaoke machine this week as an anti-depressant for me.) He said he'd been singing for over an hour, that the baby was asleep most of the time I was gone.

Brilliant!

Know what's coming from the other room right now? "I Ran" by Flock of Seagulls.

Suh-weet!

Join the Mompetition

I heard someone refer to the competition moms face from other moms as "mompetition." So true!

I've really been feeling it these past couple of weeks. I'm so proud of my baby boy. Yet, if we enter a room with other babies, I am devastated if he acts fussy while other babies act "good," or if he's not achieving his developmental milestones as quickly as those other babies.

It is CRAZYMAKING, I tell you.

And I can see that this will continue for his entire life!

So why don't I nip it in the bud now?

In todays mamasandbabies group, we were discussing the concept of "ebb and flow." As in, how to trust that, when you're ebbing, things will surely begin to flow again. Someday.

At times it seems this ebbing can go on for years. Sometimes, for me, it's minutes. Then back to flow. Or vice versa.

It is said that the nature of the universe, and therefore of all of consciousness, is to contract and expand. Contract and expand. Mama's got a squeezebox. It goes in and out and in and out.

The thing is, this contracting and expanding? It's not just one or the other. Things contract and expand AT THE SAME TIME.

(There is a tantric yogic scripture that discusses this, the Spandakarika.)

How about THAT? So when you're ebbing or contracting, it helps to know that while it seems like things will never open up and flow again...they already are.