Memorial Day Weaning

I know, I've fallen so far behind in my posting it's ridiculous. I'm mustering up the courage to share with you here just all of what has been going on...

Big News is that I weaned Bodhi.

Just like that.

On Memorial Day. We had talked about it off and on, and then that morning, with my husband's help and some distracting new trucks out in the backyard, I was able to gently say "no" when he asked me to nurse that morning.

He still asks for it every day, and he cries sometimes when I say, "Remember, we don't nurse any more." And then I offer him a snuggle or a cuddle or find some other distraction to soothe him.

I've cried over this many times.

In the early days of breastfeeding, I couldn't even imagine the blissful bonding I kept reading about. I felt like a milk machine, tethered as I was to the pump or to my little baby's mouth. But there is something to be said for oxytocin; wow, once that latch gets established and you're listening to all the sweet, tiny animal sounds of your babe nursing peacefully in your arms...ah, there is nothing like it in this lifetime.

I miss it.

I miss the closeness, the ability to soothe my child in one moment. I even miss his antics, the acrobatics and the biting. I hope my son and I continue to stay close and loving for the rest of my life. He is everything.

And the weaning came right in the middle of the Tunnel of Time Toward Death; the time period that is marked by my birthday on up until my father's Death Day, which was 06/07/08. In the weeks leading up to that date I was markedly more irritable, sad, despondent, hopeless, agitated...and then I remembered it was an anniversary. The last time I spoke with my father was on my birthday. From then on, his consciousness was in and out and even though I was with him up until his death, we did not converse. It was an exhausting, extremely traumatic time.

I have begun going back to Al Anon. It's something I started in 1997, and it literally saved my life. I seriously worked the program, working a sponsor, doing all of the 12 steps, attending meetings, speaking at meetings, chairing meetings, and then my sponsor moved away right after I moved to Austin (1999-2000), and I never found a meeting here in Austin that I liked. (Self-sabotage, anyone?) While I was hurtling down the Tunnel of Time Toward Death, I found myself sobbing in the car and driving to an Al Anon meeting, one I knew was happening for sure and at a location I had been to before. Of course it was like immediate balm for my soul, and I've been going back almost every day since. I am actively seeking a sponsor now, and am looking forward to revisiting the 12 steps now that it's been 10 years and my life is completely different.

And things have gotten so much sweeter around here, and I'm so much softer and less angst-ridden, much kinder to myself and those around me. That is the gift of the program.

Anyone else out there grow up in an alcoholic family, or have an alcoholic boyfriend/partner?