I Tend To Favor the Non-Dualistic Approach

After a restless night of aching hips, I woke early, did some yoga, ate some fakin bacon, and prepared to teach my "Basics of Yoga Philosophy" class for the teachers-in-training this morning.

I absolutely LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE teaching the philosophy classes. It forces me to study it, for one thing.

I was struggling with trying to present the very dualistic philosophy of Samkhya and even the classical yoga of Patanjali without bias, but I couldn't. These philosophies that present the mundane aspects of body/mind/world as a "problem" to be solved rather than opportunities for enlightenment just don't fit in with my belief system. But they are important. I did get to talk about them as well as (imho) the more life-affirming tantric perspective, so yay.

The students, who were already exhausted by the time I got there at noon, were interested, bless their hearts, but it was a tough three hours for all. But man oh man, are they dear to me.

The VERY best thing that happened today was meeting the woman who is going to be our DOULA!

She is so cool, competent, funny, compassionate, relaxed...and she has worked with our doctor many times, in the hospital, and had lots of good things to say about her. Which is important to me. I really needed to find someone willing to work with us in the dreaded hospital setting, someone who can deal with it and make it the most normal, natural place in the world for this miraculous thing to happen.

I also love that she has grey hair, is perhaps a few years older than me, is very experienced, and has had three children of her own, plus has an adopted child. Amazing.

Did I also mention Funny? Well, let me mention it again. It's THAT important. And seemingly non-judgmental. Even more important, perhaps.

A couple days ago I spoke on the phone with a potential doula who immediately rubbed me the wrong way; when I mentioned to her that we were hoping to have our house on the market soon she went into this "helpful" monologue about how we should really think about it, since so many of "her" moms had gone into pre-term labor due to the stress of moving.

Now, that may be true and all, but still.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

She didn't know me at all, had no idea how difficult the pregnancy had been, how afraid of going into pre-term labor I've been, and how important it may be for our family sanity to move.

I could feel myself wanting to argue with her or prove to her that I knew what I was doing already, on the phone. Instead I kept talking with her, found out that she was younger than me, and when I told her I really wanted someone older, maybe even a grandma doula, she told me there really weren't any doulas in town who were older than me...not really.

Well. Needless to say she did not get my business. And was partly responsible for my first giant meltdown of the pregnancy.

They say that pregnant women are highly suggestible...and well, I was. I am.

I cried my face off, worrying that I was endangering my baby's life, or my own life, freaking out that we were in the moving process, etcetera.

Maybe she was innocent, really trying to help me, and just happened to push my hot button. Or maybe she sensed that I actually had some of my own ideas about how I wanted to give birth and how I want to proceed with my life, and she couldn't stand it.

Or maybe I just get really irate with healthcare peeps, especially "alternative" or "healer" types who let their egos get in the way and start telling you what you're doing wrong so you'll behave the way they want you to, according to their dogma. Nobody likes that when it's the western medical doc, why should we tolerate it in the alterna-doc?

Years ago I had this young, inexperienced massage therapist tell me that if I didn't slow down and start taking care of myself (whatever she meant by that) I was going to get cancer.

Yup. Unbelievable. I actually had the nerve to call her the next day and tell her that, just to spite her, I was NEVER going to get cancer, EVER, and that she had no business representing herself as a "healer" much less putting her hands on people. She apologized and admitted she was wrong to have ever said anything like that to me, but can you BELIEVE it?

It's a very different story if someone approaches a healer seeking information.

I'm extremely aware of what I tell my yoga students or massage clients.

If they are seeking that sort of esoteric information or explanation, I may tell them something along the lines of "Yes, well, the psoas muscle is part of the fight-or-flight complex, so if you've been anxious or traveling or ungrounded in some way it's good to try to release it" or whatever, but none of this "if your throat hurts, there must be something you're not saying." Even if I sometimes wonder about it when it's my own body.

Interestingly enough, I feel that my psycho-spiritual breakthrough during the trying-to-conceive stage came in the form of a realization that I was reluctant to let myself EXPAND.

Not so much a fear of getting Fat, though yes, horribly enough, THAT TOO, but just how EXPANSIVE every aspect of me was going to have to get.

And then I remembered that it is the female principle, the very nature of consciousness itself, that wants to expand. That longs to expand. To create new things. And I remembered all the times I've suffered because I was in a bleak state of contraction, closed off from all good things with no room for opening.

Looking at it from this perspective helped me to remember that "all" I had to do was LET GO.

And now my son is already taking over all the available space in my belly...talk about EXPANSION.

The wonder of it all is that he is already my guru, my teacher. When the student is ready...

I had conversations with him before I even got pregnant.

Right now he's teaching me to trust, even more than ever, in my own wisdom, and in my ability to discern truth.

And right now, to be honest with you all, the truth is that I'm POOPED and can't wait to crawl into bed with my latest cheesy historical novel.