Stop Being Tho Thenthitive

After a little walk around our FIREWORKS MAD neighborhood with our chihuahua (who was absolutely unfazed by all the explosions.) this evening, we came home for a snack and some relaxin' and I called my mom.

Big mistake.

She knows how to hurt my feelings without even trying.

She's staying with my grandmother in Louisiana, so they were both talking to me at once.

I was hurt because she seemed shocked when I told her how much I weighed. My doctor hasn't even blinked at my weight gain. And I still feel and look pretty damn good. My mom was asking if I had gestational diabetes, etc. And my grandmother LOST weight during her pregnancies. So it was kind of annoying that they would have comments on it. (Keep in mind that my body/weight/health/looks has always been an obsession with them. Ironically I am probably the healthiest individual in our family.)

I think it also hurts because my mom has only seen me once since I got pregnant, and she was expressing her desire to see me now but saying that she couldn't...

I wish my mom were more part of this process. But she isn't. She is staying with my grandmother, who does need assistance, but it is to the exclusion of being part of MY life and of HERCULES'S life. At least at the moment. It's such a difficult thing for her, I imagine, to have to juggle between trying to find grounding in the midst of the END of her mother's life and the BEGINNING of her grandson's life.

My aunt is throwing a family baby shower/mama blessing for me in a couple of weeks in Houston. I hope my mom and my grandmother can make it.

They seem to be a lot more concerned with the babies who have been born to my much younger cousins these past couple of years than about my upcoming baby.

I just need to feel SPECIAL, is all.

They also seem disappointed that Hercules is not a girl. They keep asking me if I'm SURE he's a boy. Uh, YES. I am sure.

I never knew that I, a fully therapized and yoga-ized liberated woman, could feel this sad about my mother's and grandmother's thoughts and feelings about me having a baby.

It's such a blessing that I have my mom and my grandmother still alive and able to be part of my life, and my baby's life. If they choose to be.

I was very, very close to ALL of my grandparents all of my life, and I still have both grandmothers. I am scared that everyone will die before Hercules gets here. It's not rational, but then what's so great about rationality anyway?

I'll tell you what is really cool. My dad is ecstatic about Hercules.